Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
