I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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