ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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