My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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