Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize