Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
