she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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