"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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