Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
