I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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