We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
