I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
