he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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