I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
