I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
