I was born with a shot glass in my hand
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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