Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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