my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize