shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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