Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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