cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
