You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You need Xanax blowdarts
The uberlube is also flammable
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
