all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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