i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
