My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
