i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
