moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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