i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
