So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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