yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
