my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
