Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
