based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
