cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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