No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The best revenge is premature balding
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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