Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
