Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Everclear isn't food dammit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
