I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
