Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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