after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I look excited, but its just a facade.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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