I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize