I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
