my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
