Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
