Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
