i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
