there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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