Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
