I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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