so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
