Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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