Where did you get a picture of my penis
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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