Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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