He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
how does that bad decision feel?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize