I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
