How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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