May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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