I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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