the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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