my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Randomize
