isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
