Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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