Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize