So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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