well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
